Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument only to realise later that you were immediately defensive and accusatory? How about a dispute where you felt overwhelmed by negative emotions and couldn’t bring yourself to think rationally?
If this sounds like you, don’t worry, you’re not alone! Our brains are wired to react quickly—and more often than not, our first thoughts are to defend ourselves and hit back. But what if we could rewire our brains to think more deeply and intentionally whenever we experience conflict?
Imagine a web of tangled wires. This represents the neural connections in our brains. Now, imagine slowly and intentionally untangling those wires to create a clear and organised lattice. This is in effect what we can do with our thoughts—and it all starts with our third thought.
According to futurist and Future Shock author Alvin Toffler, “The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn and relearn.” This observation is especially true when applied to our thought patterns. It’s very important for us to unlearn our kneejerk defensive and accusatory responses and relearn how to think more deeply and intentionally.
Our brains often run on autopilot, reacting quickly to stimuli without even realising it. We usually don’t have time to proactively question our knowledge, biases, and emotions. This can lead to stress and mental breakdowns.
The first two thoughts that come to our minds when faced with negative stimuli are usually to defend and to accuse. Our first thought is to protect ourselves from an attack, and the second thought is to defer responsibility to someone else. However, our third thought is the point where we can truly start to think more deeply and intentionally.
Instead of saying “It’s not my fault” or “It’s your fault,” we can ask ourselves questions like “Why am I feeling this way?” “What am I responsible for?” and “What assumptions did I make about this person?” These are better, more positive questions that can help our minds tune into a positive feedback loop.
“Maya and her best friend, Sarah, found themselves in a heated argument. Instead of reacting defensively, Maya paused, waited for her third thought, and then chose to express her feelings with understanding and compassion. This led to a meaningful conversation that strengthened their friendship.”
Neuroscience and psychological studies show that we can train our brains to think more deeply and intentionally. For example, mindfulness meditation has been shown to increase the amount of grey matter in regions of the brain associated with self-awareness, emotional regulation and perspective-taking.
Thinking more in third thoughts can have a profound impact on our lives. For example, it can improve our communication with others, help us make better decisions, and reduce stress and anxiety.
“Jack struggled with self-doubt and negative self-talk. By reframing his thoughts from ‘I can’t do this’ to ‘I can learn how to do this,’ he adopted a growth mindset. This shift transformed his professional and personal life, boosting his confidence and overall happiness.”
How can we start basing our thinking more on our third thoughts? Here are some practical strategies and tools:
- Practice mindfulness meditation: Set aside some time each day to focus on your breath, being present in the moment.
- Pause before reacting: When faced with negative stimuli, take a moment to pause before you react. Ask yourself, “What is my third thought?”
- Reframe your thoughts: Instead of focusing on the negative, try to reframe your thoughts in a more positive light. Instead of saying “I can’t do this,” for example, try saying “I can learn how to do this.”
We are in fact able to rewire our brains to think more deeply and intentionally by starting with our third thought. This can have a profound impact on our lives, improving our communication with others, helping us to make better decisions, and reducing stress and anxiety. By practising mindfulness meditation, pausing before reacting and reframing our thoughts, we can train our brains to focus on our third thoughts and create a clear and organised network of neural connections.